198 Short & Funny Quotes and Sayings

Humour can be a savior on your worst days and roughest patches in life.

A seemingly short and funny quote can instantly brighten up our mode and send a rush of endorphins to our brains, which literally acts as a pain-reliever and improves our mood.

That’s why we have compiled a list of short and funny quotes and saying from across the internet to cheer you up. We’ve hand picked the funniest gags on marriage, family, friends, work, kids, and everything in between.

You can also find your favorite quotes from television shows, famous celebrities, or comedians, and post them on your timeline or picture caption to give others a chuckle as well.

So sit back, relax, and laugh away with this list of 198 funny quotes and sayings:

Funny Quotes About Work & Office Quotes

1.) “Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’”

2.) “I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”

3.) “I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”

4.) “I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.”

5.) “Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.”

6.) “Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110% percent. Unless the job is a statistician.”

7.) “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving faster than you is a maniac, and anyone going slower than you is a moron?”

8.) “Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.”

9.) “I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.”

10.) “Whoever established the high road and how high it should be should be fired.”

11.) “Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.”

12.) “It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”

13.) “Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it.”

14.) “Housework can’t kill you, but why take the chance?”

15.) “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”

16.) ​​”I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”

17.) “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.”

18.) “Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.”

19.) “I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.”

20.) “I had plastic surgery last week – I cut up my credit cards.”

21.) “Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.”

22.) “Can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.”

Funny Quotes About Marriage & Love

23.) “My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.”

24.) “Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else.”

25.) “A woman is like a tea bag: You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.” 

26.) “My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.”

27.) “The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”

28.) “Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.” 

29.) “Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”

30.) “The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.”

31.) “Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it doesn’t last  minutes. It lasts forever.”

32.) “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”

33.) “Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.”

34.) “Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.”

35.) “DeBeers should change it’s motto to ‘Diamonds – that’ll shut her up… for a minute!’”

36.) “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.”

37.) “I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.”

38.) “When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.”

39.) “It is not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”

40.) “Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.”

41.) “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”

42.) “Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman… or a bad woman.”

43.) “A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’”

44.) “Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?”

45.) “All men are equal before fish.”

46.) “If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?”

47.) “According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.”

48.) “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”

49.) “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”

50.) “When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”

51.) “I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”

52.) “I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”

53.) “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”

54.) “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

55.) “Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.”

56.) “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.”

57.) “As a man in a relationship, you have a simple choice. You can either be right, or you can be happy.”

58.) “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”

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Funny Motivational Quotes

59.) “I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”

60.) “My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.”

61.) “Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”

62.) “Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.”

63.) “Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”

64.) “I’ve had great success being a total idiot. “

65.) “My therapist says I’m afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time.”

66.) “I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”

67.) “Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.”

68.) “Be wise, because the world needs wisdom. If you cannot be wise, pretend to be someone who is wise, and then just behave like they would.” 

69.) “Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.”

70.) “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”

71.) “Don’t be so humble — you are not that great.”

72.) “People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”

73.) “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”

74.) “Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.”

75.) “If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.”

76.) “When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.”

77.) “My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.”

Funny Quotes About Gym & Health

78.) “Eggs are fantastic for a fitness diet. If you don’t like the taste, just add cocoa, flour, sugar, butter, baking powder and cook at  for  minutes.”

79.) “I don’t care what they say about me. I just want to eat.”

80.) “It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.”

81.) “Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”

82.) “My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.”

83.) “Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.”

84.) “Sports are the reason I am out of shape. I watch them all on TV.”

85.) “My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.”

86.) “I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.”

Funny Quotes About Friends & Family

87.) “Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.”

88.) “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”

89.) “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”

90.) “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”

91.) “I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!”

92.) “If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”

93.) “I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”

94.) “When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun.'”

95.) “When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”

96.) “The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”

97.) “Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”

98.) “People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever’s in the glass.”

99.) “Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”

100.) “Being a mom means never buying the right amount of produce. Either everyone suddenly loves grapes and a week’s worth are eaten in one afternoon, or fruit flies are congregating around my rotting bananas.”

101.) “As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”

102.) “The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.”

103.) “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”

104.) “I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.”

105.) “My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.”

106.) “I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”

107.) “From the ages of 8 to 18 , me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”

108.) “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”

109.) “Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.”

110.) “Why can’t you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?”

111.) “Good parenting means investing in your child’s future, which is why I am saving to buy mine a hoverboard someday.”

112.) “I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.”

113.) “Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.”

114.) “I love mankind… it’s people I can’t stand!!”

115.) “Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.”

116.) “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”

117.) “If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.”

118.) “There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.”

119.) “Everybody wants to save the earth. No one wants to help mom do the dishes.”

120.) “My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.”

121.) “Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.”

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Short and Funny Quotes

122.) “If you think you have it tough, read history books.”

123.) “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room.”

124.) “Trying is the first step toward failure.”

125.) “Woke up today. It was terrible.”

126.) “I drink to make other people more interesting.” 

127.) “I wouldn’t camp out for five days if was… camping.”

128.) “I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.”

129.) “An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.”

130.) “If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.”

131.) “There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.”

132.) “The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.”

133.) “If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.”

134.) “If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”

135.) “To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people!”

136.) “I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.”

137.) “The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”

138.) “Reality continues to ruin my life.”

139.) “The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.”

139.) “My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.”

141.) “Even I don’t wake up looking like Cindy Crawford.”

142.) “The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.”

143.) “I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.”

144.) “This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo.”

145.) “Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”

146.) “I’m not insane. My mother had me tested.”

147.) “I am only human, although I regret it.”

148.) “Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”

149.) “War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.”

150.) “If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”

151.) “Never do anything out of hunger. Not even eating.”

152.) “I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.”

153.) “A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”

154.) “I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.”

155.) “Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.”

156.) “All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.”

157.) “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.

158.) “Instant gratification takes too long.”

159.) “I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.”

160.) “Never miss a good chance to shut up.”

161.) “The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”

162.) “I don’t trust anyone who does their own hair. I don’t think it’s natural.”

163.) “A day without laughter is a day wasted.”

164.) “Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool.”

165.) “When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”

166.) “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”

167.) “Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.”

168.) “Go to heaven for the climate, hell for the company.”

169.) “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”

170.) “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”

171.) “If we’re going to pay this much for crab, it better sing and dance and introduce us to the Little Mermaid.”

172.) “I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.”

173.) ​​”Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.”

174.) “Housekeeping is like being caught in a revolving door.”

175.) “A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.”

176.) “I live about four muggings from Central Park.”

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Funny Quotes About Getting Old

177.) “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.”

178.) “As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”

179.) “The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”

180.) “When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”

181.) “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”

182.) “I’m not crazy — I’ve just been in a very bad mood for  years.” 

183.) “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”

184.) “Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!” 

185.)”I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.” 

186.) “I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t really remember yesterday all that well.”

187.) “My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”

187.) “The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”

189.) “Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.”

190.) “People say, ‘How you stay looking so young?’ I say, well, good lighting, good doctors, and good makeup.”

191.) “When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.”

192.) “Age is something that doesn’t matter unless you are a cheese.”

193.) “I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.”

194.) “​​Honey, time marches on and eventually you realize it is marchin’ across your face.”

195.) “Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.”

196.) “I don’t have to take this abuse from you; I’ve got hundreds of people dying to abuse me.” 

197.) “Look, you didn’t ask me for my opinion, but I’m old, so I’m giving it anyway.”

198.) “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”

Final Thoughts

Laughter can be an excellent tool to build new relationships and spread joy in peoples’ lives. Many of these sayings can be memorised to amuse your friends, or perhaps win over a loved one who’s upset with you.

We hope that these quotes gave you a much needed dose of laughter. Share them with your friends and loved ones and save some in your phone to cheer you up on a rainy day.